The REAL me – edit 4
12 July, 2018
My blog has been there for me in the good and bad times, I was once very obsessed with it and made my life revolve around it, then I decided to completely DROP it and hide in my shell. Every time I felt something, I wrote about it, in fact I think if anything it helped me because whatever negative though trapped inside my head, I turned it into a positive and spoke about it.
I think deep down though, I used it like a diary (See a few of the posts where i did this here, here, here, here + here), and you can tell through the posts how unhappy I really was for so many years, if you read through the lines. I spent my time filling my life with SO many projects and events because I was unhappy. I couldn’t pin point this because to others, my life seemed perfect.
But I spent SO long pushing the hurt, unhappiness and confusion away then filling that with being ‘busy’. Eventually things had to stop and I had to make choices. Choices that would change my entire life, and they still do to this day!
I scrolled back to a post where I re-capped on my life, and I continued to do this for quite a few years, every edit is different, and the latest edit’s have been about balance and happiness and you can clearly see the journey I made. Have a read below…
2013 What you see:
Nothing to do with health and fitness….
May 2013 – That’s because I am very unhealthy, I am sick every few weeks, I don’t exercise and I eat a whole lot of bad things. I have 1 kidney and I barely drink a drop of water!
EDIT September 2014 – OK So I am no expert, and I don’t go to the gym 3 times a week BUT with my own #lazygirlsguidetofitness I have gone from a size 12 – size 8 and I am the healthiest I have been by making small and effective changes in my life! I drink more water, I swap my foods and my intake and I use everyday things as my exercise. The blog explores so many more health and fitness posts now, and to be completely honest with you the BLOG is probably what saved me from that knife that would cut me open to explore my insides, eww! Big tick Adelle…BIG TICK!!
EDIT June 2015 – All of the above (from September 2014) is still applicable, except I DO go to the gym a lot more and I have kicked up my intensity of working out, because it makes me feel good. That being said…I don’t make myself feel guilty by not going to the gym 5 times a week or doing some kind of fitness. It’s all about balance! NB: I have been “properly” sick maybe twice in the last year? That’s pretty much the best achievement I have had in my life – ever!
EDIT July 2018 – Reading the above I remember every single edit, the last one in 2015 I was lying a little (a lot!)…I became obsessed with fitness and it was controlling my life. Every kg was monitored and I was living on mostly salads (literally, leaves)! I feel like even though my fitness has dropped now, I have managed to balance mentally and physically, admittedly I could really do with a Personal Trainer once a week to really kick my butt, I have put on a little weight but I also don’t hate myself or my body like I did above.
2013 What you see:
Laid back, stress free and so down to earth.
May 2013 – I stress over every little thing, even tiny comments on the blog that may be negative. I second guess myself, I get so stressed about tiny things that I end up getting really sick, in fact I got shingles last year again because of stress. If I have a sponsored post to get ready for the blog, I think about it for weeks and if I don’t give that sponsor constant updates I get worried that they will think I am slacking off. I put a lot of pressure on myself, for no reason at all!
EDIT September 2014 – Who the hell is this girl above? Umm snap out of it loser!! Positivity is the key, and I know we can’t be positive about everything, and I do have my down days (oh yes indeed, I had one SUNDAY!!), but majority of the time I AM laid back and down to earth now. Stress makes you sick, and *knock on wood* sickness has been few and far in the last year for me! All that guff above, wow, I can’t even comment on, that is so not who I am anymore! It’s like staring at a sentence that someone else typed!
EDIT June 2015 – Stress for me these days is based on having no time, but I am continually trying to balance that out and add into my diary “free time” where I do something that isn’t blog or work related. Albeit this is hard for me to do because I am not exactly your advocate for relaxing these days, forced TV time is always on my agenda though. So laid back and down to earth is still instilled into my body…but I am more planned with how I deal with work and the blog. Also, this response is so much more mature of me – who am I? haha
EDIT July 2018 – I have been through the most amount of stress I can handle in the past year, and I got through it as a stronger person. Little things don’t get to me at all, in fact I brush them off like their dirt. The fact I have balanced my entire life out to suit me means the stress that does come into my life due to the changes I have made…are a LOT easier to deal with. I think if I went through that back in 2013, I would have crumbled. And that goes to show that timing really is everything. Basically I lied a lot above, NOW I am laid-back and easy going…unless I am running late for something haha!
2013 What you see:
I don’t care about what people think of the way I act or how I do things.
May 2013 – I bottle up all my thoughts, I don’t speak to anyone about them, and I care probably more than anyone about what people think of me. SAYING I don’t care is only convincing everyone around me, it doesn’t convince me at all. This is why I am so sarcastic and have a comedic streak, if I can laugh at myself then I feel better if people are laughing at me.
EDIT September 2014 – I literally do not care anymore about what people think of me. Quite honestly, if you don’t like it, move along. I may be slightly immature at times, but I can be serious when it’s needed, let’s take a stand here for a minute, the way I AM is the way I always HAVE BEEN, and it makes me the person that I have grown into, if I decided one day to be super mature, I would be kidding myself. I dance, I laugh, I sing and I crack jokes constantly…I have a dirty mind, I love to see people laugh (especially if I made them laugh) and I will continue to try to be the clown. The people that stick around to put up with me (or maybe just enjoy my company – who knows why they do lol) are CLEARLY worth my time, and I am happy with who is in my life so, rock on sista! (Yeah, I fist bumped my own fists)
EDIT June 2015 – I honestly feel like my immaturity is now coming across as sincerity, because from what I have achieved means I am quite mature in situations. However, my child like nature is seen as just me having fun (not being mutton dressed as lamb – that would be a tragedy). And there’s nothing wrong with that. I still do not care about what people think of me, I just do what I want within reason. Let’s just say my reactions and actions are a lot more methodical.
EDIT July 2018 – I feel sick reading this. I went from worrying all the time about what people thought, to then HATING people and being a bit of an immature menace whilst pushing friends away that may have said the wrong thing. I am 36 years old this year, and even though women tend to mature in their late 20’s to early 30’s I think I missed the mark. I am obviously not a menace to society anymore (thank gawd!) and I feel like Angelo has really come into my life to let my playful nature shine, I am happy with who I am and I am not bothered by what people think. The last year I have had a lot of backlash on my choices in life through people who are not IN my life anymore…and simply put, they are not in my life for a reason. SO the judgement has stopped and I feel better! How I live my life is how I choose to…and my support network IS THE BEST EVER 😊
Reading through everything really shows me the WAVE of emotions I was dealing with, I was unhappy, angry, timid and I had no idea why. I understand I put myself in those situations now, my own happiness is MY OWN, I always have a choice to be happy, and I can always make that choice no matter where I am or who I am with.
I thought this may actually help some of you to know that you really are allowed to go through things, you can feel so many things, you can be totally confused and you may have absolutely NO idea why you are on this earth. But you DESERVE to be happy, and even though making choices that will completely turn your world upside down is scary…sometimes you do have to take that big leap of faith to let happiness back into your heart.