21 December, 2017
Before I even intro this blog post, I want to warn you that there are a few things in here that people may be upset by. That being said, this is a genuine post and is no way out there to harm anybody, in fact MOST of my posts are to help and inspire and perhaps recognise moments in my life that resonate with your own…
So it’s quite obvious my blog has been non existent, big things happened in the (What everyone thought was perfect) “life of Del”, and that’s normal – life gets in the way! I sure as hell did not feel positive throughout any of it, in fact for 3 entire years I have struggled with feeling worthless, depressed and, well, OK I 100% hated myself.
I guess my way of dealing with how my emotional state and brain was to write it out (Like a journal). But i guess writing it HERE on my blog, out there for everyone to see, also offended some people in my life. So when i was giving out advice on life and balance, i was ignoring what i was saying also. Maybe i was a bit of a fake. Maybe i was a fraud?
That being said, i had a purpose and that was to try and help others so i continued on that pathway and helping others in a way really did pull me out of some deep seeded, dark filled places where my thought process was very similar to “I need to get away from myself, but i can’t, so what do i do?” the worst part for me was i also thought others would be better off without me around. And you know what? Saying it out loud now i just can’t believe it…but when you are in a place where you feel completely helpless and you genuinely feel that way and can’t shake it off, your mind definitely goes to grim places.
To the outside world, in fact even people that were close to me, they never would have picked it up. In my head showing signs of weakness was wrong, and i think i also wasn’t ready to admit how i was feeling. Depression can come in MANY different forms…some people can’t even get out of bed with it and it’s quite obvious. For me, I could get out of bed (at 4:30am!) but i filled my life with 30 thousand things to do to shut whatever was happening in my head off! You really have no idea and it can go completely undetected.
In turn, i burnt out more than a few times, i was working full time, i had 2 small business’s, i was going to events 4-5 times a week, i was working basically all day and sleeping 5 hrs a night, i’d work all weekend too! You see i was an all in or nothing at all girl, and the “nothing at all girl” probably would have done something drastic. In a way being so busy probably helped me.
I spent many years pushing people away, smiling when inside i was dying, i hadn’t cried in FOREVER and i refused to as well because again i didn’t want to appear weak. I never spoke about my emotions, i was breaking down piece by piece and relationships were crumbling around me. I didn’t even call or text my parents for 6 -9 weeks at a time because I thought the more i pushed people away…the less upset they would be if i wasn’t there anymore. I was….numb.
In all of this though, it wasn’t that i felt like i had nobody that i could talk to or that i couldn’t get help because my support network is so strong. It was that i didn’t WANT the help, i didn’t WANT to be weak, i didn’t WANT people to fuss over me. I felt like i didn’t DESERVE any of that because i was a shit person, and that i shouldn’t waste people’s super precious time because everyone is busy, i was busy so i knew it was hard to set aside time, i didn’t want to burden them or make them upset by my thoughts, and i felt like i should have been punished so i needed to get myself out of this alone.
I know how crazy all of this sounds, because if someone looked at me and said “Del…i need help…i feel like i need to be punished, i cannot stop this feeling, i want to end it and i can’t shake this depression, please help me” i would push EVERYTHING aside…drop everything i was doing, and i would help that person! Hands down! But that’s just it…their help for me, i felt would be annoying for them to even have to offer.
I’m not telling all of you this for sympathy, that is absolutely NOT what i am doing. But my life changed a lot in those years, and i got through it. If you are reading this and nodding your head at some of these feelings…then you have to make a difference to your life. And you HAVE to talk. At the end of the day…you have to also WANT to talk. Take your time…let yourself be emotional, EVERY emotion counts even the hard ones.
Now, i can cry, i can feel emotions and i let them out, i learnt sadness and i also learn happiness and what it truly means. I am stronger, i do not feel weak, i can talk, i can open up!
I could write an entire book on everything that happened to me in those 3 years…but I won’t. Because the purpose of this post is to simply make others know that they’re not alone. People go through this – even the brightest, bubbliest, happiest people…like me!
As for me, i am happy! I can honestly, truly say that and mean it. Albeit life is certainly nowhere near perfect right now…but inside, i am happy. And that is what life is about.